I thought I would be perfectly fine with how things turned out....initially it didn't even really hurt me at all. I thought that because we weren't together too long; it wouldn't get me down and I would be "fine" with the way things turned out. But now I think I was wrong...I think its making it worse because I feel like he never even gave it a chance. And there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be happy with him. He made me feel amazing; he made me feel confident in myself. He didn't care about the flaws I stressed about, and told me I looked beautiful no matter how much of a mess I felt. We went through a lot together despite the short time it lasted; we saved a friend's life. Not maby people ever really do that. Now I'm constantly wondering how the whole thing makes him feel, and if he is even thinking of me at all. And I feel sick because I really doubt I've even crossed his mind. I thought I would feel better about the whole thing once he told me why, but I don't. I just miss him even more because he said his feelings for me haven't changed, so I wonder why everything else did.

I partly wonder if its even him I miss; or just the feeling of having someone I can be so close to. Someone I could be so honest with, and absolutely trust. Because despite what he did to me I feel like I miss him; but perhaps it is just the feelings I miss rather than the person. But then after saying that I feel guilty, because I realise I do miss him too. His cheeky smile, the way he made me feel when I was with him. The way he would hug me from behind, and always be so hospitable...he was supposed to be a wonderful partner.

I wonder how things would have developed if he never took on this new job. I think the whole situation would be completely different; because ultimately it was the one thing that came between us and caused the whole ordeal. And it upsets me that it wasn't an "us" issue so much as something which just got in the way and complicated things. I know I couldn't have expected him to quit his job, but I know it was not unreasonable for me to expect him to make an effort. Which he didn't. And I wonder why if he really liked me as much as he said he did; why making an effort was so far out of his reach. I guess after not having a "real" girlfriend in so long, he had decided he could live without it and it wouldn't cause him too much stress or trouble; he knew he could get along just fine. Well that was okay for him but all it did was mess me up because I was not expecting him to feel that way after he told me I was his whole world and he was sorry for the times he had ignored me; it had never been intentional.

I wonder what will fix this for me...ultimately I'm sure the answer is just going to be time; like everything else. If only there was a quick-fix for these situations.